


Love me, Darling (please survive)

by lilolilyrae



Series: Life Leans Our Way [2]
Category: The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Andy | Andromache of Scythia Regains Immortality, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Drowning, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, F/F, Femslash, Getting Back Together, Hurt/Comfort, Immortal Wives Andy | Andromache of Scythia/Quynh | Noriko, Kissing, Making Love, Nightmares, Oral Sex, POV Andy | Andromache of Scythia, Rough Oral Sex, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Temporary Character Death, Vaginal Fingering, andromaquynh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-21
Updated: 2020-09-21
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:22:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26563567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilolilyrae/pseuds/lilolilyrae
Summary: Andy thinks she is going to die, then she finds out the real reason why her wounds won't heal. And just when she has gotten used to these revelations, Quynh shows up in her room...Can be read as a standalone!
Relationships: Andy | Andromache of Scythia/Quynh | Noriko, Minor joe/nicky - Relationship
Series: Life Leans Our Way [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1930894
Comments: 16
Kudos: 111





	Love me, Darling (please survive)

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [If Only Life Would Lean Our Way](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25485172) by [jessikast](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jessikast/pseuds/jessikast). 



> Andy's POV of- until the first line- jessikast's story, then her POV before, during and after my part 1 of this series.  
> The 'after' part starts at the double lines.
> 
> How did this her so bloody long?? I was thinking 3, maybe 5k, suddenly it's twice that! Love how creative Andromaquynh makes me xD

After Booker's trial has ended, his sentence given and accepted, Andromache feels at a loss.

She had never lost someone to such a _betrayal_ before.

At least not one of her own.

It's a relief, then, when Copley asks them how they're going to clean up the mess Merrick and his men left behind.

They go to meet up in Copley's flat again, and this time Andromache actually gets to appreciate the wall dedicated to all her good deeds. It's fascinating, really, seeing the pictures, articles and notes for all these connections between the people she saved and the good deeds they or their descendants accomplished- but it also makes her feel depressed, knowing that all of this is going to end with her next death. 

_The others are going to continue the work_ , she tries to tell herself. _And why do I even care about what happens when I am not there to be affected by it anymore?_

She moves away from the wall and tells everyone to get to work.

While Copley and Nile go after digital... stuff which Andy doesn't understand and is glad she isn't forced to learn- good thing Nile and Copley are there to take over where Booker left off- Nicky goes after the doctor and she and Joe go to take out the rest of Merrick's men.

When they get ready, Nile looks like she wants to say something- probably trying to get the bad guys a second chance or something, but Andy won't have that. In her eyes, the guard are soldiers of a man they knew would do bad things, and they signed up to die for him. That's how an army works, how a fight works, that's how it has always been. And if Copley's wall is any indication, the way she operates isn't a bad thing at all.

She does let the scientists who didn't know too much go. With their research burning in a fire Yusuf started, they're not a danger to the immortals, anyway, and she won't waste her time trying to figure out which of them are the bad guys. If they committ any crimes in the future, they're the law enforcement's problem.

Once they're done, Andy and Joe go back to Copley's place, where he and Nile are still sitting in front of the screens. How long can it take to get a few things out of that internet? Dammit, the modern world is annoying. 

In the bathroom, Andy gets into the shower, peeling back the edge of the bandage on her stomach to check the status of her bullet wound. The injury _seems_ to have almost healed already. She quickly puts the bandage back on before she can get a closer look.

Andy has no idea how quick or slow normal humans heal, but she would have thought bullet wounds took longer...

Then again, she had gotten good medical attention at Merrick's, so maybe that's that. The sword injuries of the men in the latest human army she had been leading a few centuries ago certainly never got cleaned and stitched together properly.

But maybe, just maybe, it's also something left over from her immortality? Maybe, despite being mortal now, she is still a little harder to kill, going to live a little longer than the average human?

Andy hates how hopeful that thought makes her. Damnit, a few weeks ago she would have loved to just bite it! Now, not even the reminder of how annoying modern technology is or the thought of Booker's betrayal are enough to make her want to die. 

Deciding to just ignore the issue for now- or for the rest of her life, because that seems plausible all of a sudden- she dries off, dresses and brushes her hair. It's getting longer. Maybe she won't cut it again so soon. She likes it short, but she might not have enough time to let it grow out otherwise.

Ignoring that decision, too, Andy lets Joe into the bathroom and goes into the kitchen herself, raiding Copley-'call me James'-still-definitely-Copley's fridge. If he notices her stealing his food and objects to it, he at least doesn't protest. There are some weird boxes and packages, but she also finds ham and greens for a sandwich. 

When Nicolo shows his face in the doorway, she sends him off to shower with Joe. Nile snorts something about 'saving water' and Andy smirks. The men won't be saving anything in there, least of all water.

She's munching on the last bites of her sandwich, once again staring at the history wall, trying to remember all the places and battles and the people shown in the photographs, when she notices how silent Copley and Nile have suddenly become.

Turing around, she finds them staring- _frowning_ \- at a laptop screen.

"What's going on?" her hand twitches for her axe. Did they forget about anyone?

"I- Andy-" Nile says, voice faltering. Copley looks from the screen to Andy and back.

"What?" when they don't answer, she walks up and looks over Nile's shoulder at the screen. Loads of numbers, little words... medical terms maybe, though she never bothered to learn all the official terminology of modern English or what they call latin. That used to be easier, too: someone was sick, you called them sick and someone was injured you called it an injury, if it was fatal you tried to give them a nice death.

"What's this?"

"It's your file. From Merrick's lab" Copley supplies.

"...So?" 

"Andy- it says here that you might have leukaemia." Nile explains.

"What?" she feels like a broken record.

But, really?

Cancer?

She's going to die even _faster_?

And here she had thought she was at least going to enjoy a mortal life, really _live_ for once.

Maybe die a warrior's death in a few years if the others let her.

But succumbing to an illness? 

"It doesn't- this doesn't have to mean-" Nile says, hesitantly. Andy doesn't listen. She stares at the screen, frozen, barely noticing that Nicky and Joe have come back into the room...

“...quite sure?” Copley says, moving to look over Nile’s shoulder at her laptop. 

Nile turns the laptop screen for Copley to read, breaking Andy's focus on it as she has to move to keep looking at it. Distantly, she hears Nile answer: “I mean, I’m not a doctor, but these results seem pretty clear?”

“What’s going on, what happened?” Joe asks, sounding concerned. She doesn't look up at him, can't look at anything but the laptop screen.

Instead, Copley answers, scrolling through the file. “It’s some of the files we’re going through. This one has results from blood tests done on Andy – they must have processed them quickly. They _seem_ to indicate that she wasn’t very well.”

“Well, no shit,” Joe says. “Book- Some fucker had _shot_ her. I’d say that qualifies as ‘not well’.” Booker. Fuck. Andy had never intended to die without meeting him again, but now... She doesn't want him to see her wither away, either. Doesn't want any of then to see her that way. Maybe she'll manage to visit him before it gets too bad, and then she can throw herself off a cliff. Or from a parliament or something, there are always fascist or dictatorial governments _somewhere_.

“Not like that,” she hears Nile explain. “Like – a disease. It looks like they just tested for everything across the board. It says here there are abnormalities in the white blood cell count, and low levels of platelets – ‘suggests diagnosis of leukaemia’.” 

Andy shivers, but Nile isn't finished, having gotten her thoughts in order now. “Booker told me, he said big wounds take longer to heal, right? So that means that there must be a… finite amount of healing that can be done at one time. What if…” she pauses, Andy feels her looking at her but she can't meet her eyes. “What would happen to our bodies’ ability to heal wounds if all the…capacity was diverted to something else for a while? Different priorities?”

There's a ringing in her ears.

What? She's _not_ going to die? She might not be mortal anymore- might never have been mortal at all?

Except- except if she _is_ mortal, then she's literally already dying. 

She's _immortal_ , or she's _dying_. 

Living forever. Or living for- what. Months? She doesn't even know how fast leukemia kills someone. She doesn't want to know, doesn't want to think about it. Maybe she should just off herself now- if she is still immortal, she'll only come back once everything healed, and if she isn't... Well.

Copley keeps scrolling, starts talking again but she isn't listening, the ringing in her ears getting too loud. 

She can't handle this.

She can't deal with this anymore.

Shaking, Andromache gets to her feet, wanting to grab her axe on instinct before she remembers that it's not even in the room with her.

She wants to run from the room, get her weapons and hide somewhere where no-one can ever find her, but at the same time she can't make herself leave, can't handle the thought of actually being _alone_ right now, so she flees into the history corner instead. 

For once, she isn't facing the room, but she trust her team to have her back. Even if she turns out to be mortal and dying. Drawing in shaking breaths, she raises her hands to her face, covering her eyes. 

Everything feels Too Much. She can't breathe. Is this really happening? Maybe she's mortal and dying. Maybe she's already dying _right now_ , just because they noticed the cancer now doesn't mean that it's _new_ now. She could collapse in a pile of dead flesh at any moment.

Maybe she's having a panic attack. Is this what a panic attack feels like? She can't remember having one in the past, but maybe they just didn't have a name yet when she last felt this lost and disturbed.

Lost. Her mind is immediately on Quynh. Her love, lost at sea. Maybe still alive. Probably, given that Nile dreamt about her. Is it selfish to want her to still be alive if she herself turns out to still be immortal, so she still has a chance to be reunited with her, and dead if she is dying? She should just wish for her to be dead either way, to not be suffering anymore. On the other hand, she knows Quynh would have hated to go that way.

She's shivering, and she can't seem to stop.

Andy feels Yusuf walk up to her, feels a steady hand pressing against her back.

Breathing in sync with him, in and out, she slowly calms down while he whispers into her ears in a dialect of Arabic that is probably extinct it then rest of the world- a relict of long forgotten times, just like herself- telling her that everything is going to be alright, that they are there for her whatever happens, that they are going to figure this out.

And, for some reason, she believes him. 

At the very least, she doesn't want to fall into the nearest blade anymore.

Nicky joins them, standing behind Joe, not touching Andy but being a soothing presence nonetheless. Apart from their breathing, it's quiet in the room, the others must have left and Andy is glad for it.

Andy’s screws her eyes shut as she lowers her hands

“I have to…I can’t wait, not knowing.” Without looking up, she holds out her hand for them, palm and forearm up. She doesn't trust herself to do it, doesn't trust that she won't just slit open her arteries when her thoughts spiral back the way they just did moments prior.

For a moment, the others are silent

Then, Joe wrapps his hand around Andy’s forearm and digs his fingernails into the thin skin of her inner wrist. It hurts, Andy can't completely bite back a pained sound, her arm twitching a little in reflex, but she doesn't pull away.

Joe pressed until his nails draw blood. Andy doesn't look at it, she can't.

“Well?” she asks, her voice eerily calm. In that moment, she realises that this might not prove anything. If the cancer is still in her body, it doesn't have to mean that she's mortal, her body might just need longer to fight it back...

She feels a finger rub over the small wounds. 

Then the men freeze, Nicky breathing in sharply. That can only mean-

With a gasp, Andy opens her eyes, holding up her forearm in front of her.

There is no wound, no injury, not even a scratch or a scar- yet the drying blood is proof that she was hurt mere moments ago.

Andy strokes the skin under her fingertips, back and forth, back and forth.

“I…I don’t…” she starts, not knowing what to say.

Goodness. She healed. She's no longer mortal, if she ever was at all. Moving a hand to the bullet wound in her abdomen, she knows this one is gone, too, only feeling uncomfortable because of the tight bandage and medical tape. It won't even scar.

This is what she wanted, right? 

Except that for so long, it had been what she loathed, had been everything she wanted to get rid of, to find a way out of...

“Andy…” Nicky says gently, stepping around to wrap Andy in a bear hug from behind, sandwiching her between him and Joe.

The three of them stand quietly for a long moment. Andy can't quite comprehend what just happened. Finally, she draws in a deep breath.

“I need a drink,” she announces.

There is no way she is going to deal with this revelation sober.

Her dry words startle Yusuf into a laugh, which makes Nicolo kiss his cheek, making Andromache smile. Their love and devotion to each other can be annoying at times, but right now the happiness is contagious.

She feels giddy, and at the same time like she is going to cry.

Alright. Alcohol. Copley must have a stash around here _somewhere_. 

When Nile and Copley cautiously peer in a little later, all three are at the relaxed stage of tipsy, slouched on a sofa together with Andy in the middle.

Nicky and Joe have their arms along the top of the sofa, resting behind Andy’s neck in a reassuring touch.

When she notices them, Andy tilts her glass at Nile and Copley and Nicky leans forward to pour some more of Copley’s very nice whiskey into two more glasses, spilling it _just_ a little.

“Soooo,” Nile starts. “Is this a celebratory drink? Or are we commiserating? Or….”

Andy chuckles. That's the question, isn't it? “I’m still not sure.”

Nile looks so confused, Andy almost laughs out loud.

“Wait, I thought you would have…tested it somehow. _Are_ you still mortal?”

Joe answers for her this time: “It seems like the boss is going to be with us a while longer.”

Nile gasps in delight, clapping her hand over her mouth.

Copley breaths a sigh of relief. “Oh, thank god.”

“Thank _God_ ,” Nile echoes sincerely. 

Andy is starting to agree with their positive assessment, although she could do without the mention of a deity. 

Taking another drink and looking at the ceiling, she asks them: “Did you ever do that thing where you toss a coin? And then, when it’s still falling, you realise what way you want it to land?” they had that game even before there were coins, throwing rocks or sticks or letting a frog jump one way or another.

Nicky murmurs something vaguely agreeable, pulling her from her thoughts.

“That’s…that what this feels like. I thought I knew what I wanted. Not enough to seek it, like Booker-“ she pauses for a moment, frowning and her mouth turning down at the thought of his betrayal. He should have just _talked_ to her. Then again, she never talked to him, either. “-but I had thought I was _so_ tired, I just wanted to… stop.” she had really thought that, hadn't she? Maybe, deep down, she had just wanted a _change_...

“But…that’s not what you still want?” Nile's voice draws her from her thoughts.

“I found a…second wind.” Andy lowers her chin to look over at her. “I guess I was reminded that there are still things to find joy in. Still things I want to see through.”

“Oh,” Nile says quietly. She looks happy. Andy is starting to feel happy, too, and she doesn't think it's _entirely_ due to the alcohol.

* * *

Life goes on as normal.

As normal as it can be, with Booker gone and one and a half (Copley does Not count as a full member of the team in Andy's opinion) newbies in his stead.

She, Nicky, Joe and Nile go to pick up what they need from the old safe house before abandoning it in favor for another one. 

Andy sends Booker a postcard from the airport, not writing anything but his address. He'll know they're all still alive, at least.

Once settled in, Andy, Joe and Nicky start training Nile properly, teaching her how to shoot all kinds of guns she doesn't already know from the military, how to grab them from an opponent, where to shoot someone non-lethally and where to hit for a quick death. Andy also knows where the places for a slow, painful death are, but something is telling her Nile wouldn't appreciate that lesson.

Nile is still hung up about her first, mortal life. Andy actually thinks about letting her contact her family some days. They're not in the eighteenth century anymore, there are many explanations for someone to disappear and fake their death- she could say that she is a secret agent now, which isn't all that far from the truth, or she could even give them the full story and keep in contact with them without faking her age and appearance over the years.

Still, she would have to watch them die.

It's not Andy's decision to make, and she doesn't talk to Nile about it. If she really wants it, she'll ask or just go behind their backs (Andy asks Copley to have an eye out for the latter possibility. Not to stop Nile, just to help). 

Maybe, in a few years, when it still looks like Nile doesn't know what to do, they'll have a talk- before her relatives die and the decision is taken away from the girl entirely.

This Monday, Andy goes shopping with Nicky (because Nicky can't be trusted with grocery runs on his own) while Joe is giving Nile her first lesson in one-to-one physical combat. No particular fighting style- they can get to that, they have all the time in the world to teach her every combat discipline they know. For now, it's easy attacking and send defence moves so she will be ready in time for their next mission. Copley already has something in mind for that.

Usually, Andy is the one to teach physical combat. This time, Joe offered to teach Nile, and Andy didn't protest very much. She knows that they are still processing her mortality scare- despite it being proven that her wounds heal again, despite there being no scar on her body now, the team stays fiercely protective of her.

It can be annoying, yes, and she tells them as much, but she never protests _too_ much- because really, she likes the fact that they would step in front of bullets for her right now. Not because she couldn't take that kind of pain, but-

She's afraid, too.

For days, she had thought that she was going to die, and even weeks later, she can't quite shake the thought that every breath could be her last.

She's thinking about Quynh, as well.

Andy's room is next to Nile's and while she pretends not to hear her nightmares- she can't bear to comfort her for having them, not the way Joe and Nicky can, not when she feels so terribly guilty about Quynh's fate- she wakes from Nile's screams every time.

It isn't every night. Andy can't say for sure how it works, but she thinks that apart from the first dream, they only dream of each other when both parties are or have been dying. In the night after a practice fight with Nicolo that turned into a deathmatch, she hears Nile scream and gasp for air, Yusuf and Nicolo hurrying to her room, and she burrows her face in her pillow and sobs about what she has lost.

"She drowned again- and I almost thought she wouldn't, this time..." Nile's voice, muffled through the wall, reaches her ears. 

Andy shivers. Of course she's drowning, everything else is wishful thinking. At least it means she's still alive. And wasn't this what she had wanted? For Quynh to live, now that she is immortal again?

But what good does it do when she still has no idea how to get to her. Modern technology might be able to detect metal in great depths, but it's not like there aren't abundances of metal trash at the bottom of the sea by now. 

Still, maybe she should start looking again. Buy a submarine or something. It's not like she doesn't have the money, and nowadays everything can be bought, can't it?

But they have to teach Nile to fight properly, Nick and Joe want to start going on missions again, and looking for Quynh isn't one of the things she can put on her to do list with mission prep and getting groceries. Once she starts, it won't be something she can just stop again, at least not so soon, unless- unless she actually find her.

Next year, Andy decides. When Nile is more used to her immortality, when Copley is properly settled into his job as Booker's replacement. When she, and everyone else, is getting over her stint in mortality.

Next year, she will go. She won't make the others come with her, but she wouldn't say no to the help should they offer it.

Andy feels guilty for postponing her search like that, but when she tries to think about it rationally, she knows that after centuries, a few months more or less won't make any difference.

...Right?

Then, one mission, they get into a shoot-out with a drug trafficking ring. Andy herself only gets grazed by a bullet, has yet to die at all since she thought her next death would also be her last, but both Nile and Joe go down, wake up with bullets falling out of their bodies.

While Nicky kisses Joe in relief, Andy helps Nile to her feet and resigns herself to another night of hearing the other woman scream, wishing she was the one to dream of Quynh instead, even just of her drowning.

But Nile sleeps through the night.

Andy refuses to believe it.

She stays in bed, awake, much longer than she usually would, pretending like only moments passed instead of hours, like maybe, Nile isn't asleep yet at all.

Ignores the truth until she hears Nile wake with a yawn and pad into the bathroom.

No. No, it can't be. Not now. 

It doesn't have to mean that Quynh is dead. She could also be free, right? No longer dying?

If she is free, she probably hates Andromache now. For getting her imprisoned, for not getting her back out. She deserves that hate and more. Maybe, probably, Quynh is going to kill her. Good thing she isn't mortal, then.

Andy still hopes beyond hope that Quynh is alright. Free instead of dead.

But who would have gotten her out? _She_ didn't. She _postponed_ her search as if Quynh wasn't a living human being, as if it wasn't _her_ fault that Quynh was down there in the first place, as if she didn't owe it to her to go looking again as soon as she even heard the word submarine for the first time.

Then again, they're not an exact science, these dreams, right? Maybe nothing changed at all. Nile just didn't dream this time. It doesn't have to mean anything.

She could call Booker, ask whether he dreamt of her, but she is too afraid of what she might hear.

Still, Andy is determined to start her search for Quynh as soon as possible.

It's a terrible thought, but if Quynh has truly died, she will at least get to her body before it gets destroyed by the force of the sea.

On the next day, Andy is cold and determined to finish this mission as quickly as possible, to get the last of the bad guys, take them out, then finally focus on Quynh.

It's not too different from her usual laser focus, so the others don't suspect that anything is wrong.

Entering the warehouse, they split up as planned, Nile going to the control room, Nicky and Joe for the drug storage while Andy goes looking for the ringleader.

Something makes her feel watched, which in turn makes her think that she is paranoid- it's a damn mission, of fucking course she might be watched by bad guys and cameras, the first can't hurt her and the latter are going to be disabled by Nile.

Still, the bad feeling prevails.

Two deserted hallways later, a side door opens and the bullets hit Andromache before she can react. She manages to turn around, used to the pain of getting shot more than any mortal could ever be, finger on the trigger of her own gun, and she takes down the three goons in the doorway with lethal precision shots before going down herself.

As she collapses to the floor, Andy thinks she really should have listened to that bad feeling.

She hears a pained, keening sound that she didn't notice she had made, and she tastes the blood in her mouth.

It isn't the first time it happens.

Despite the horrible feeling, she really hopes it won't be the last time it happens, either.

Wishes that she is going to wake up.

The last thing she sees before everything goes black is a door opening.

She hopes it's not another enemy.

When she wakes, Nicolo-, Yusuf-, and Nile's faces are hovering above her, all looking at her, relieved. 

Andy draws in a shaky breath.

At least now she knows for sure that she isn't mortal anymore.

_Wasn't ever mortal at all._

Still, she could have done without the scare.

Joe gets up and holds out his hand the way he always does. Usually, Andy ignores it and get up on her own- she certainly _could_ physically do that now, too- but she appreciates his gesture and something makes her take his hand.

He smiles at her, a little surprised but pleasantly so, and he and Nicky sling their arms around her as they walk, Joe kissing her hair. 

"Did you even take out the mob boss?" Andy asks when she only notices that they're moving back out after an embarrassingly long moment. She really needs to get her head back in the game. "We're not ditching the mission because I died."

Nile gives a little sniffle at the word 'died' and Andy briefly squeezes her hand. Goodness, the kid is so _young_.

"The ringleader was down in the lab" Nicky reassures her. "We must have gotten most of the higher ups, all of their data, and we burned their stash to the ground. If anyone's left, they won't be able to just take over, they'd have to build it up anew."

The explanation is mostly for Nile's sake, but Andy still nods along "And they can do that anyway."

There's a gunshot behind them, and she tilts her head in amusement. "Or they kill each other and do our job for us, of course."

Yusuf throws back his head and laughs.

She should feel relieved at being alive. Immortality proven and all.

Andy just feels worn out.

The others want to throw her a party, Nile is bouncing on her toes with excitement, Nicky disappears into the kitchen to cook or bake something-

Joe takes one look at Andy's face and tells her to go to sleep, he'll tell the others that the party can wait a day or two.

Andromache is grateful.

In the bathroom, she stands in front of the mirror, staring at her unblemished skin.

It feels eerie all of a sudden, knowing that she had been shot there just hours ago.

Is this how Nile feels when she gets killed? How they all felt at the beginning of their immortality? 

Andy doesn't have any memories that go that far back in her own life.

She hopes she will get used to it again, to her immortality, and quickly so. This is all so- disconcerting. She feels out of her depth, even though she has her old life back now, the life she lived for millenia.

When she comes out of the bathroom, the others are there to say goodnight.

She knows they had been worried, too, and now they probably fear for her mental state- she almost wishes she had allowed them the party so they wouldn't- but Nicky and Joe hug her close when she says goodnight, and she knows the honesty was worth it.

* * *

Alone in her room, she stands at the window for a moment, looking at the stars.

She doesn't believe in a God- has seen how too many of the stories people believe in were created, how little they had to do with miracles at all. Goodness, they even worshipped her for a while, thought her a benevolent god, even, when all she brought them was war.

If there _is_ a god, it's probably one with a twisted sense of humor. No, the idea of the human-powered creature in the sky seems laughable.

But if there is any kind of higher power out there- not that she believes in that, either, but just in case- if there is _something_ that can listen to her thoughts right now, she wants it to know that she is willing to trade her newfound immortality for Quynh's, for her to be free.

Andy kisses the pendant hanging from her neck, crosses her fingers and then squished her thumbs in her fists and knocks on the wood of the windowsill amongst other, older superstitions for good luck.

She feels silly doing it, but she knows that if she didn't, she would feel guilty for not at least having tried.

There's enough guilt on her mind already.

Finally going to bed, clad in an old nightshirt that she has bought in the 1940s in a store that doesn't exist anymore, Andy falls into a restless sleep.

She dreams of war, twisted memories mixed with terrors that her mind makes up without any obvious inspiration. She dreams of Quynh, laughing with her and sneering at the soldiers of the opposing force in front of them. Then, suddenly, the dreamscape twists and Quynh is sneering at _her_. Tears fall on Andromache's pillow, but she doesn't wake.

She dreams of drowning, a feeling she is all too familiar with herself- after all, she has a tradition of sorts. Every year, at the anniversary of Quynh's capture, she drowns herself in the ocean, as a punishment for not managing to find her, as a plea for her love to be free. One year, during one of the world wars, she had completely forgotten what date it was, too focused on the fights, the mission, the countless tragedies surrounding her. Once the war was over, she didn't leave the ocean for a week.

After the nightmares of drowning, Andy falls into a dreamless sleep, as if the death in her dreams only allowed her to truly rest. 

She needs that rest after the day she just had.

Still, she is a light sleeper, and when she hears, feels, that _something_ isn't right, she wakes with a start.

Staring into the darkness, Andy slowly breathes in, hand reaching for the knife at the top of her bed- and then, she freezes.

She knows this smell intimately, has just dreamt of it mere hours ago.

Soft, almost floral, with a note of leather- and something else, something Andromache had never been able to put into words, something that is solely-

"Is this a dream?" Andy whispers. _Have I gone entirely insane now?_ "Quynh? Are you there?"

There is no answer. She must still be caught in a dream- a nightmare, taunting her with possibilities.

" _Quynh?_ " her breath hitches. 

"Andromache" a voice whispers, a voice Andy hasn't heard in five hundred years. 

Then, a woman is stepping out of the shadow.

_Quynh._

Andromache can only stare, barely remembering to breathe.

She is really here.

Alive, free, _alive_ \- and here, in the room with her. 

Andy doesn't even know what to focus on.

If feels like she can't focus at all- like, even though her eyes see sharp and clear as ever, there is something fogging the picture, clouding her mind.

Her eyes never leave Quynh's face.

Her beautiful, beautiful face that she had missed so much.

It's barely illuminated, only moonlight falling through the windows, but she would still recognize it anywhere.

Suddenly, Quynh is moving, and Andromache only notices that she has started to cry when Quynh's finger's brush over her cheek, smudging her tears.

It's in the same moment that she notices that she is still alive- that, in fact, Quynh has made no move to kill her or take her revenge through other means at all.

Instead, she is holding her in her arms, the way she used to when they met again after travelling apart from each other... 

It feels so good, too good, just making Andromache more certain that this can't be real. She doesn't deserve anything this good. Except-

"Is this a dream?" she repeats. _'Have I died today and found you again in death?' s_ he doesn't dare to say.

"No, I am here, I am here, I am here..." Quynh whispers, her lips almost touching Andromache's forehead, her cheek, her neck.

She really _is_ here. This isn't a dream. 

Andy has no idea how, or why Quynh looks so well put together for someone who just dragged herself out of the ocean, or how she found her, or why she didn't kill her yet- but she is here. Alive. Close enough to touch.

Andy takes a deep breath, revelling in Quynh's scent. She straightens, moves to look at her properly, to tell her how sorry she is for letting it all happen to her- when Quynh pulls away.

Andromache can't help the pained sound of protest excaping her, can't help how her hands claw to Quynh's soft coat.

Is this it, then? The respite over? Did Quynh just hold her to make her revenge all that more cruel?

Andy would have never described Quynh as cruel, before, but after centuries of imprisonment, of torture- she won't blame her if that is what she has become.

Won't, can't, stop loving her despite it.

With a whimper, she lets go of her love, accepting her fate. She deserves whatever punishment Quynh set out for her and more.

"...Andromache?" Quynh asks.

"Please" Andromache whispers. She shouldn't ask for this- but the thought of being left again, when it barely feels real to her that Quynh is alive even when she is still right in front of her- "Please- before- Let me- let me touch you, smell you, please, before you kill me-"

Quynh's answer is not at all what she had expected.

"Andromache. My one, I will never harm you again." she whispers. "Yes, you may touch me."

Andy doesn't understand it, but she does not need to be asked twice to reach out to her again, to touch her, now that she is allowed. This time, she is the one pulling the other woman close, kissing her hair, letting her hands roaming over her body...

Quynh turns her head and suddenly their lips meet in a kiss. Andy whimpers, but then she is silenced completely when Quynh's tongue presses against her lips, between them, entwining with Andromache's own... Andy tilts her head for better access, sucking on Quynh's tonge the way she knows the other likes best, holding her head close-

Until suddenly, Quynh is pulling away, leaving her breathless and yearning for more.

Andromache lets her head sink onto her shoulder, kissing her way down, not letting go of her, afraid that if she did, Quynh would end this, would leave her again, leave her thinking she just imagined the entire episode.

"I missed you" Quynh whispers, and Andromache almost flinches. It's her fault Quynh wasn't by her side, it's her fault Quynh drowned, she is so sorry, she wishes she could undo it and she missed Quynh so much, she is so sorry-

She realizes she must have said some of that out loud when Quynh asks her: "Why do you keep saying that you are sorry?"

Andromache looks up at her. How can she ask that? It's obvious. Maybe she wants Andy to acknowledge her guilt? She can do that, she can do that, even if it hurts to go over it all again-

"I left you. I just stopped looking, I'm so sorry-"

Quynh slowly shakes her head. "It isn't your fault-"

" _I left you!_ " Andromache hisses at her. Has it really not sunk in for the other yet? Does she need to spell it out for her? Better than than waiting in a false calm until Quynh understands why she should hate her.

"I _promised_ we would be together, and then- and then- I left you alone, I broke my promise, I should drown for five hundred years myself to make up for-"

"Are you even immortal?" Quynh interrupts her, and Andromache winces. Does it matter? Does it really still matter to Quynh whether or not she would survive?

"I- yes, I should be- I don't think I was mortal at all." Andy knows that she probably doesn't make much sense, but she can't seem to form proper sentences. "A while back... but I'm healing again now..."

She frowns. Maybe Quynh needs proof that she isn't looking for an easy way out, that she won't ruin her revenge by simply not coming back after a first, easy death. Proof is easy enough to give... her blade is too far away, so she scratches a nail over her skin instead.

"Please don't hurt yourself" Quynh says, sounding alarmed.

 _Why? Is that your privilege, now, too?_ Andy wants to ask.

Instead, she just obeys.

Whatever Quynh will do to her, she will accept it.

"...Are you just going to be my slave for the next fivehundred years...?" Quynh asks her.

She keeps talking after that, but Andy doesn't hear her.

A slave. For _centuries_.

Andy has seen enough slaves in her lifetime, has seen what that existence does to a person.

She forces herself to nod. "If that's what you-"

" _NO its_ -" Quynh almost shouts, then continues in a quieter voice: " _no_ it's not! Come on-" she gets up, pulling Andromache to her feet.

Andy can't help feeling relieved. Whatever Quynh comes up with can't be as bad as that, can it?

They sneak out effortlessly, moving in synchronised silence past Nicolo, Yusuf and Nile the way they used to get past guards, mercenaries and entire armies in the past.

It's wonderful to have Quynh back. Andy will take whatever Quynh has chosen to give her. It will be worth it in the end, she is certain of that.

After a short track through the woods, they reach the abandoned flooded gravel pit. 

A _lake_.

Of course, Quynh is going to drown her.la the obvious choice.

How often is she going to make her die this way? Once for each year Quynh spent under the sea? Once for each day? If she had planned on making her drown for five hundred years to suffer exactly as she had done, she would have moved further than this lake, wouldn't she? The others are going to look for Andy sooner or later.

Andy looks at Quynh, not daring to ask. It's not her place to demand answers now. It's not her place to demand anything from Quynh, not for the next five hundred years, maybe not ever again.

Quynh starts to undress, and Andy quickly does the same so she doesn't get tempted into looking at Quynh's beautiful body. That's not why they are here. That's not something she deserves.

Is Quynh going to get into the water, too? How can she stand it, after what she has been through?

Once Andromache is stepping out of her underwear, Quynh is already in the water. Andy briefly grasps her- _Quynh's_ \- necklace, hoping that the fact that the other has not demanded it back yet means that there is a future for the two of them, once she has done her penance.

Quynh doesn't turn back to her until they are almost in the middle of the lake. 

_"Drown for me."_

Like on autopilot, Andromache dives down into the cold water.

The surface is shimmering above her, contortion Quynh's image as her eyes burn.

When she opens her mouth to breathe in the water on purpose, she chokes, and for a moment instinct drives her back to the surface- when she breaks through and comes face to face with Quynh's stony expression, though, she dives back down without breathing in any air.

It's an agonizing feeling, drowning herself.

It was easier in the sea, when she could dive so far, she would drown before she was able to reach the surface again.

Now, she has to force herself to stay down.

To not move.

To feel the pain and embrace it.

_She deserves this._

* * *

When she wakes up, it is at the surface of the lake, held afloat in Quynh's arms.

She must have dived down to pull her out of the water.

Breathing in deeply and shivering in the cold air on her wet face, Andromache feels a lot more put together than just minutes before.

The fog clouding her thoughts is gone, the surreal feeling replaced by calm acceptance.

Quynh is really here, this isn't some dream or hallucination. 

They are _alive_ , both of them alive and together.

_She loves her so much._

Quynh lets her cry into the crook of her neck until Andromache feels able to talk again.

"Again?"

How many times will Quynh let her drown? Maybe it's the uncertainty of it that's part of her punishment... it had been part of Quynh's suffering, too, after all. Still, it seems a bit cruel, and with the way the other is cradling her in her arms, Andy can't quite believe that her gentle heart has really changed that much.

Quynh doesn't let go of her, and she can feel her shaking her head, wet hair moving against her cheek.

"No, my love. I will not let you drown again. I will not ever kill you again at all, once was too many already, worrying whether or not you would wake up, whether this would be your last death..."

Andy takes a deep breath. In, out.

_Quynh, oh, Quynh._

Of _course_ she wouldn't want her to die any more than Andy wants her to die. 

Hadn't she already said something along those lines earlier, in Andy's room? She hasn't been able to understand it then, too freaked out to think properly.

"I told you, I was never really mortal." she feels the need to reassure Quynh.

"So?" Quynh asks, hugging her even closer. "Lykon was."

Andy stares at the dark surface of the water in front of her while Quynh speaks.

Yes, it's true: they can turn mortal.

Any death could be their last.

Somehow, between wars, missions, accidents and deaths in practice fights, it never seemed so real. It never seemed like a danger they should concern themselves with, not until she thought death was coming so close for herself.

"You, any of us, could still become it." Qiynh continues. "You have drowned for me, you have done your penance. And I still think it was not necessary for you to have any punishment at all. I will not be the reason for your death, Andromache, and I would much prefer it if nothing would ever lead to your true death at all. I know I can't keep you from your vocation-"

Andy winces. If anyone _could_ keep her away from her job, turn her into something else than a soldier, it would be Quynh. Especially now, with her debt to her...

"Don't. Stop it with the self-flagellation!" Quynh interrupts her thoughts, and Andy frowns when she realises that Quynh is right- she had almost let herself spiral into her quilt again. "...let's get out of the water, the cold is starting to remind me of the sea."

That is enough to get Andromache moving, motivated to get Quynh save, dry and comfortable as quickly as possible.

They have a bit of a back and forth as neither wants to swim in front of the other one where they can't see whether the other is still there with them, before they finally do the crawl next to each other in synchronised strokes, looking at each other every time they lift their heads to breathe.

On the beach- if the muddy grass by the lake can be called that- hey lie down next to each other, their fingers tangled together as they just take a moment to breathe.

When Andy feels Quynh move, she looks over, and their eyes meet.

Quynh looks radiant in the moonlight, her sharp features softened by the glow. 

She needs to eat more. How long does it take someone to recover their weight after centuries in which the only reason she didn't starve was the fact that she drowned before that could happen?

Before Andromache can overthink it, she feels Quynh's hand move away from her own, gently stroking over her arm up to her face, brushing over her cheeks before moving down again, coming to a halt between her breasts.

On her necklace.

"You kept it, after all this time."

Andromache smiles wistfully as she turns to look at the sky, shaking her head.

"It broke, many years ago, and I lost it in a battle. I re-made this one from memory- it's the third copy, now." Just another thing she failed... but when she turns her hed, Quynh is gazing at her with wonder in her eyes instead of renewed betrayal.

"Why- why didn't you just let it be, after you lost it the first time?"

Andy turns back to her and blinks a little dumbly. "Why on earth would I have done that? It's- it was the only thing of you that I _had!_ Of course I- _mpfh!_ "

Quynh is on top of her and kissing her breathless before she can finish the thought.

Returning the kiss almost instantly, Andy gives as good as she gets, smashing their lips together and grabbing whatever part of Quynh's body her hands land on.

The ground is hard and dirty underneath her, a pebble digging into her back and reed grass tickling her toes, but with Quynh's familiar form pressing her into the ground, Andy couldn't care less. 

When she opens her lips, Quynh does the same, and Andromache slips her tongue in-between them, twisting it against Quynh's and feeling quite smug when Quynh whimpers.

She still knows her body almost as well as her own.

Used to know it even better than her own and can't wait for it to be that way again. 

Touching her feels right in a way few things do in this century.

Quynh is cupping her breasts, her lips kissing the corner of her mouth, her cheek, then sucking at her neck- and then her beautiful, wonderful, sinful mouth is on Andy's breasts, kissing and, oh, _biting_ her left nipple- Andy throws back her head and groans, her nails scratching over Quynh's back.

Quynh bites her way over from one nipple to the other, her teeth breaking the skin a few times, leaving Andy gasping for more. When she finds her breath again, she lets her hands wander over Quynh's body, not very subtly groping her arse before sliding further down, over and in-between her thighs...

Hungry for more, she moves back and flips them around, sitting up so she is straddling Quynh and grinning down at her.

Quynh laughs, and Andromache feels as if she is bursting with happiness.

Sliding down Quynh's body, she lays down on her stomach between her legs, parting her folds with her hand and burying her face between them. 

Quynh still tastes so very much like _Quynh_.

She sets to work fucking her with her tongue, feeling her pulse around her, hearing her moan, revelling in the fact that Quynh is feeling good, gloating because _she_ is the one doing this to her.

Her memory- and yes, she remembered this, thought about it when she fingered herself in many lonely nights and feeling vaguely guilty about the pleasure afterwards- her memory did not do this justice. Quynh's folds pressing against her, her taste so strong, almost overwhelmingly so, her thighs squeezing her head and her heels digging into her back- it's wonderful, it's _real_ , her position is way too uncomfortable for this to be a dream, it's intense and almost violent.

When Quynh's moans get louder, bordering on sobs, and she presses her sex against Andy's face, Andy withdraws her tongue and moves up to her clit, sucking at it harshly, just the way she knows Quynh likes.

Quynh cries out her name, and Andromache moves faster, set on reducing her to the ability to form less syllables than that.

Andy feels the exact moment Quynh comes: jerking in her hold, against her lips, tearing at her hair and screaming her release.

She keeps licking her through it until she feels her collapse. 

Moving back up to lay on top of her, smearing mud and grass between them, Andy grins down at Quynh while she blinks herself back to awareness.

Then, Quynh is grinning, too, before surging up to press their lips together once more.

When Quynh breaks their kiss, Andromache almost whines in protest- but then she feels Quynh pushing her up and moans when she realises what the other woman has in mind. 

Not needing to be asked twice, she kneels up and moves to sit on Quynh's face. Quynh doesn't even hesitate for a moment, licking into her and making her see stars. 

Andy's thighs tremble with the effort of holding herself up over Quynh's head, but then Quynh's hands are on her arse, pulling her down, and she is nipping at Andromache's clit at the same time- Andy howls, losing all control as she starts to ride Quynh's face. 

For long moments, all Andy knows is the rising pleasure in her body and the fact that it is Quynh who is underneath her... Then, the pleasure reaches its climax, and she can't think at all.

Afterwards, Andy couldn't say whether she came once or twice or a hundred times.

Finally, Quynh is releasing her, gently kissing her sex before she helps her up.

Andy barely manages to scoot back far enough to be over Quynh's chest instead of her face or neck before her legs give out and she has to sit down again. Struggling to breathe, she finally just lets herself fall over to lie next to Quynh again.

With a chuckle, Quynh takes her hand in hers.

Andromache looks over and smiles so hard she thinks her muscles would hurt if she weren't immortal.

"Let's go home?"

Quynh nods.

* * *

* * *

It's almost morning when they return, the sun slowly rising behind the forest.

As they come close to the safehouse, they hear that the team is up - probably worried about Andromache, all having felt the need to check up on her after the scare they just had, and, instead of being reassured by watching her sleep, they found her gone.

"Wait behind me" Andy whispers to Quynh.

When Quynh nods, Andy smiles at her, squeezing her hand before she lets go and stumbles into the clearing 

"Andromache!" Nicolo exclaims when he sees her wet, dirty form, running up to hug her. "Where _were_ you?"

Yusuf comes up behind her, throwing her a disapproving look.

"You couldn't resist, now that you have your immortality back, could you? It's not healthy! If you wanted to look for Quynh, alright, but-"

"What- is it not still a month until the anniversary?" Nicky interrupts him.

"Uh, guys? What anniversary?" Nile asks, awkwardly lingering behind them.

Andy ignores her. Not that she doesn't like the kid, but sometimes she is just that: a nosy little kid.

"It wasnt the anniversary. And there won't be one any more."

The others stare at her, then Joe's eyes widen.

Andy smiles. "Don't shoot her, okay?"

"Quynh!" Joe throws his arms around her neck even as Andy steps next to her to take her hand again. 

She really doesn't want to let her out of her sight again so soon. Or ever again.

Nicky joins them, and it turns into a sort of group hug. Joe notices that they are missing Nile, motioning for her to come over and introducing her to Quynh without withdrawing from the hug.

Quynh, however, is frowning and ducking away under their arms.

First, Andy thinks that they had been constricting her too much, reminding her of the sea, but then she notices Quynh's stare.

"Yusuf" Quynh addresses him without taking her eyes of Andromache. "What did you mean- what anniversary?"

Andy winces. Why does Quynh have to have a sixth sense for her doing things she disapproves of?

Joe gives her a look, and Andy just nods, resigned.

"Yes, the anniversary... Of you being taken. It's next month. Since those first years, when we were still at sea looking for you, when we still had hope that we could find you- Andy, Andromache, drowned herself on the anniversary. I think she thought we didn't notice the pattern. I was almost glad that she died and came back in our last mission- we weren't completely sure she was immortal anymore, and I dont think we would have been able to stop her from killing herself on that day..."

"Andromache! Not when you-" Quynh hisses at her, and Andy interrupts her:

"Can we not do this now?"

She's not usually one to postpone any kind of fight, but suddenly, she feels so exhausted- mentally- that the thought of arguing with her beloved seems excruciating. 

Quynh takes one look at her and sighs, mellowing. 

"Of course, my love."

* * *

Another hug to Joe and Nicolo as well as a nod to Nile later, they are headed inside.

Andromache points them towards the bathroom, and once she has explained what everything is, Quynh drags them into the shower, revelling in the warm water that comes from above.

"Like a summer rain!" she rejoices, bouncing on her toes. 

Andy has to laugh, but then she sighs, dipping her head into the stream and letting the water wash away the mud.

"Are you really not angry at me for not finding you?" she whispers, staring at their toes, standing so close to each other.

Quynh steps forward and gathers her into her arms to soften the blow of what is to come.

"I suppose I'm still a little angry that you stopped looking... But I understand now that you only did so because it was a futile endeavour. For a while, before I had found your other friend Booker-"

"He's not a friend, he's in exile."

"...your exiled friend Booker, he told me that you were mortal... But before that? I was furious!" Quynh laughs, but stops to kiss Andromache's brow when she sees the other woman flinch.

"It didn't last long, not when I started thinking about how impossible it would have been to find me at the bottom of the sea." she reassures her.

"I- I never stopped. I mean, I stopped _looking_ , but I never- I kept thinking about it, trying to figure out- and there are new technologies, ships that can dive deep into the ocean, I don't know how deep exactly but I was- I was going to try again next year, I swear never abandoned you, I never-"

Despite herself, Andromache starts to sob, and Quynh holds her close. "Oh, Andromache, it's fine, I love you, I know you didn't abandon me, I never stopped loving you-"

Andy sobs again and Quynh chuckles, trying to lighten the mood.

"Have you gotten emotional at your old age, Andromache of Scythia? Wait, are you using a different name these days? I noticed the men calling you An-dee?"

Andy chuckles weakly, shaking her head.

"I shorten it to Andy sometimes, and have different fake IDs- aliases- but I would have never changed my true name to one you wouldn't recognise."

In response, Quynh kisses her deeply.

Then she pulls her into the warm water properly, and together, they manage to get themselves and each other free of dirt in relatively quick time.

Once clean and dry, they snuggle together in Andy's bed, Andromache laying half on top of Quynh, her head on her chest and their legs entwined.

"I never stopped loving you, either" Andy whispers. "I tried to be with other people, even a woman once when that started to be more acceptable again a few decades back, but- I only thought about you."

Quynh cards her fingers through her hair.

"I am sorry that you were suffering with me, but I am gratified to have you back, without having to compete with anyone."

Andy chuckles. "Even if I had found someone, they would not be competition, not against you. Do you remember when we both had a lover, on the journey to the holy wars?"

Quynh laughs. "You always liked the irony of that! You know, you are right, I would not feel threatened if you were to have a lover beside me... But for me, I only want to have you for the foreseeable future."

Her hand slides out of Andromache's hair and over her body as she says so.

Andy smiles and kisses Quynh's neck. "I don't want to be with anyone but you now, either."

Quynh's hand moves in-between their bodies and Andy rolls off of her for better access, laying on her side and bending her knee. Her own hand moves over the shape of Quynh's hip, gently cupping her sex while Quynh's is stroking through Andy's dark curls.

They finger each other at the same time, slow, sensual, gazing into each other's eyes.

Andromache isn't even sure whether she can come like this, but that doesn't seem so important.

She doesn't change the movement of her pointer and middle finger inside Quynh or demand that Quynh do anything to actually get her off.

They share sweet kisses, pressing open-mouthed ones to each other's lower and upper lip in turn.

Somehow, it's exactly what they both need right then.

_Making love._

To her surprise, Andromache soon feels her pleasure rising, taking her impossibly high as her orgasm runs through her in long waves, her eyes falling closed as she feels Quynh continue to move inside of her. When she shudders through the last aftershocks, Quynh slowly withdraws and cups her with just enough pressure not to be uncomfortable.

After that, Quynh's climax doesn't take her by surprise, and she gently fucks her through it. 

Quynh's eyes flutter shut, the sight of her long lashes on her cheeks as she silently exhales enough to make Andromache's heart flutter, too.

"Can you leave the lights burning?" Quynh asks when Andromache pulls an extra pillow out of a wardrobe before picking up the duvet cover from where it had ended up on the floor.

"Of course, you know I can sleep anywhere." Andy replies.

"I'm not sure whether I can sleep at all" Quynh admits when Andy wants to pull up the covers over her. "I haven't properly slept since I- for weeks, now. And I would probably just have a nightmare... but you should sleep."

"I don't need sleep any more or less than you do." Andromache disagrees. "If you want to stay up, I will stay awake with you, but I think you should just sleep instead, too. I will wake you if you have a nightmare, you know I won't sleep through it when you get restless."

Slowly, Quynh nods. It probably isn't healthy to stay awake for so long, even if she can survive it indefinitely.

Pressing a kiss to her lips, she lets Andy cover her with the blanket.

They falls asleep in their beloved's arms, completely relaxed in ways they hadn't been for over five hundred years.

**Author's Note:**

> I think I got the idea of Andromache drowning herself on the anniversary of Quynh being taken from [What The Water Takes](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25419355) by xpityx, go give it some love!
> 
> The description of an anxiety/panic attack isjust taken from my personal experience, people experience those very differently. Also us mortals obviously need less extreme methods to snap out of it than rewiring our brain by drowning lmfao- I like reading/writing [fluff](https://archiveofourown.org/works?utf8=%E2%9C%93&work_search%5Bsort_column%5D=revised_at&include_work_search%5Bfreeform_ids%5D%5B%5D=110&work_search%5Bother_tag_names%5D=&exclude_work_search%5Bfreeform_ids%5D%5B%5D=68440&exclude_work_search%5Bfreeform_ids%5D%5B%5D=418427&work_search%5Bexcluded_tag_names%5D=&work_search%5Bcrossover%5D=&work_search%5Bcomplete%5D=&work_search%5Bwords_from%5D=&work_search%5Bwords_to%5D=&work_search%5Bdate_from%5D=&work_search%5Bdate_to%5D=&work_search%5Bquery%5D=&work_search%5Blanguage_id%5D=en&commit=Sort+and+Filter&user_id=lilolilyrae), watching [calming](https://tippsfueralle.tumblr.com/search/calming) videos and stuff and drawing [litte](https://lilolilyrae.tumblr.com/post/136671650807/art) [designs](https://lilolilyrae.tumblr.com/post/125825732456/art) against anxiety, biting into a lemon or showering with cold water against a more acute panic attack.
> 
> Anyone else trying to avoid the word 'lover' because in the movie, Joe so beautifully describes how he and Nicky are so much more than that, or is that just me?
> 
> More TOG fics by me [here](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilolilyrae/works?fandom_id=44512552)!  
> I might write follow up oneshots for this series, but for now I think it's done :)
> 
> I live for friendly comments on my fics!


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